There was a day I was single, and one I was married.
Days I birthed children, and a day I bid one farewell.
Days I wept and regretted and pleaded and days I rejoiced.
A day the idea of a holiday, with one less child child, one less ticket, one less suitcase, would have sent me plummeting into missing and yearning and bitter hatred for the life I’ve been dealt. But time is truly a gift and there did come a day where we began to imagine just that. And then a day we did it. We packed our bags, got on a plane and took our smaller, once broken family on holiday.
The planning of our trip to the US was much the same as we do everything in our household..without too much planning. We like the spontaneous.
Saying that, no doubt we each had a hazy vision beforehand of what we believed the trip would hold for us. The boys vision included Legoland as a main feature, Ivy was fixated on the tea cup ride at Disney, Crayton wanted to just live like a local. Me, of course I imagined the afternoon light and the shopping but more than any of that, I imagined heart mending. I wanted to believe that it would be okay to go away, to laugh, to explore and just be together, without the what if’s and the should be’s and the yearning for different. In the weeks before we left, I imagined it over and over..the hazy scene of the five of us playing at the beach with nothing more than simple happiness. How I hoped.
And you know, looking back, we got just that. The vacation of a lifetime spent doing not very much at all. My best memories of the last two months involve the simplest of things.. beach days, trips to the store, just driving around and discovering together..absorbing a time where I can say I was genuinely happy with my husband and three children.
It feels like such a huge gift we’ve been given, to not acknowledge it would seem wrong but while I want to share the joy of this time, it’s still not easy to write that. I’m torn between wanting to always declare my endless missing of Ava. I fear implying that the grief is no longer there.. the
need remains to make sure her life and memory and place in our family still matter, every single day. It’s a strange mix of gratitude and serenity and fear and it makes me marvel at how life ebbs and flows. How things do change, no matter how certain you are they won’t.
Fifteen years ago, I could not have imagined finding and marrying my soulmate.
Ten years ago, I could not have imagined four children.
Five years ago, I could not have imagined my daughter was about to celebrate one of only three birthdays.
Two years ago, I could not have imagined ever laughing again. Or dreaming. Or going on holiday.
Yet I did. My certainty wasn’t very certain at all.
I’ve always said holidays are only good in plans and memories, the daily reality never quite lives up. I was wrong.. the reality of our simple, happy
days spent together these past two months are literally a hazy, hopeful dream come true.
Here’s to heart mending. And my beautiful Ava.
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